I noticed this acutely when I planned to fly my dad to Barrhead from Villeneuve, a 30 NM flight, on August 23. As is my custom, I obsessed about the weather, mainly the winds, the day before, and in the morning, I became quite concerned that the crosswind would be too much for me to handle upon landing in Barrhead. Dad and I drove out to the airport but I was so stressed on the way, thinking of all of ways that this planned flight was overwhelming me. Besides the wind, this was going to be my first flight as PIC in one of the Namao planes, which were still somewhat unfamiliar to me. To top it off, my reservation had been transferred to a different plane than the one I had booked, one that I had never flown (this was done because my plane was too close to its hours for its next maintenance). It was just too much. I didn't think I could do it. Once at the airport, I confirmed that the winds were fairly strong, about 12 knots, which isn't that bad but it's too much for me if it's a crosswind. Dad was unconcerned at first but when he realized how much uncertainty I was faced with, he suggested that we fly but we just do circuits at Villeneuve, where we could have an into-the-wind runway. I was greatly relieved by that suggestion. The club manager gave me a briefing on the equipment differences in the airplane I was assigned. Feeling like it was all more manageable, we did go and do some circuits. It all went very well in the end. I was able to fly that plane and handle that wind.
So, I should know from that experience that I don't need to worry and stress as much as I do. But it seems that as time goes on, I am increasingly afraid to fly. I don't trust myself. It's very easy for me to be hard on myself and judge myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just suck as a pilot. But, I did really well on my flight test. My Namao instructor was complimentary, too. My dad thinks I'm OK. So I must be OK! Interestingly, my Namao instructor said he really enjoyed flying with me when I was a brand new pilot because he has a particular interest in helping people make the leap from student pilot to licensed pilot. I've since thought back on that; obviously this transition is a thing. Also, it's interesting that once you start to admit your worries to others, they are free to admit theirs, and then you both know that you aren't just awful at it when everyone else is great. I admitted my insecurities to a couple of fellow pilots just this week. One of them, a guy in my commerical ground school class has been a pilot for a few months and he started telling me stories of silly things he's done. It was so reassuring and validating. Another is a friend from my private pilot ground school class, who told me that he still feels especially pleased when he does a good landing. So rather than beat myself up, I am trying to analyze and understand this situation so I can do something constructive to remedy it.
First of all, I complicated things for myself when I joined Namao. The planes are different and the airspace is more complex there and it's still new.
Second, I am not comfortable with crosswind landings and that has a huge influence on how comfortable I feel taking off in the first place.
Third, I am a new pilot. I just haven't seen a lot or had to deal with that much yet so not knowing what each flight will bring is a bit stressful.
What can I do about this? Well, I have to keep flying. I can't run away from it because it's a challenge right now. Thinking back to the fear I felt before I did my first solo flight away from the airport, I know that I have to do it anyway and that I have to do exactly that which I fear in order to improve.
I need to do some crosswind landing practice with an instructor. If I can get the hang of that, I won't be as attached to the ground and I will be able to handle a windy landing if I find myself at another airport where conditions are different.
Although Namao is cheaper, which is partly why I went there, money isn't everything and I can still fly at Cooking Lake where I am more familiar. I have to fly once a month at Namao to stay current but I can always do a few extra flights at my home airport so I can get used to being a pilot without adding another layer of stress.
I can fly with other pilots! Both of my ground school classmates that I mentioned are interested in flying with me so we can learn from each other and offer each other some security.
I just have to keep at it. Underneath it all, I love flying and I want to get better at this! I now have some ideas to make the transition easier. One step at a time.
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